The passenger said

Moving

2009-04-22T20:26:00.004+08:00

I was reading through my past entries, those really old ones written in JC days. I felt disgusted by the self-absorbed and preachy tone that i used that I decided to close this blog down when May comes this year.

I want to start anew and make the best of things.
So am moving to wordpress soon too :)

Saturday night

2009-04-19T10:29:00.004+08:00

I felt like I was racing the sun as I walked back from the bus stop to PGPR. The sun finally set as I reached the main staircase and the sky turned to a deeper shade of blue. Another day has passed but there will still be many more to come.

I usually listen to chen qi zheng as I stroll down that long long path and I sometimes wish that I will just keep walking forever, that I will never reach my room. I guess I can deal with the loneliness as it's part of the deal we get in life, but it's the uncertainty that I find difficult to ignore.

走走停停想想，然后再接着走。

Night

2009-04-01T02:50:00.005+08:00

Frankly, I absolutely love but also hate to be wide awake in the middle of the night. My mind becomes curiously lucid as the night grows deeper and strange ideas appeared like exotic insects through my window.
Sometimes i wish I don't wish to be loved.

Tide

2009-01-18T01:55:00.003+08:00

I can't recall when was the first time i realized that sometimes no matter how hard one tries, one still cannot make changes to the outcome. It is precisely in the manner one received and reacted to this fact that distinguished one from another.

It takes great strength of character to remain unfliched in such times i guess and tremendous nobility of spirit to realized that the unabove mentioned situation only happens 'sometimes'. May the optimistic get the last laugh.

Sand Artist

2008-11-11T19:02:00.002+08:00

Art doesn't have to be expensive.
Because honestly, you can do it with a glass box, some colored light bulbs, a handful of sand and a stroke of genius.

And yeah Salute to the Beatles :)

I wish i can become stronger, desparately wishing. I want to be stronger for the people i love and also for me.

Strawberry

2008-11-02T23:49:00.003+08:00

These period is so crazy because am totally engulfed by projects, CCAs and the upcoming CAs...lol which stupid faculty other than Science has such thing like CA2 1 day before reading week?

The song that i cannot get out of my mind these few days:

Let me take you down
'Cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields
Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about
Strawberry Fields forever
Strawberry Fields forever
Strawberry Fields forever

The meaning of life

2008-09-17T00:32:00.004+08:00

There are times that we feel life is indeed meaningless but we know it's not true. Simply because otherwise i would have pulled the trigger long ago.

The meaning of life is in the folded musical ticket in my pink spectacle box. It is in the black origami rose that stands in my silver pencil basket, right beside the golden fountain pen that my grandfather gave me. That pen has a engraving on its cover and it reads "Lucky". And of course, when i looked around, the meaning of life is in numerous other things.

It is in the box of peach that my aunt sneaked into my bag when i hurried out of the house on that rainy Sunday afternoon;it is in the nagging letters from my parents;it is in the little white wallet that is nursing its wounds in my drawer;it is in the pink water bottle or strawberry pencil case that marked out a seat for me in the 4pm lecture. And of course it is in the background of the photos on my wall.

It is love that makes life life :)

Decision

2008-09-10T23:10:00.003+08:00

I am afraid to talk about this topic because i know the answer to it. And it really makes me feel helpless when i know how your reaction will be when i began to do the whole rewind-and-play thing again. It just feels meaningless to let you listen to things that things over and over. You advised me to follow my interest and encouraged me to pursue it but i didn't dare to leave the comfort of familarity. Or perhaps i just wanted to do something that was recognized by my parents. Well but the truth is that it is a realization that came a little too late.I will keep my mouth shut about this from now on because it's no one's obligation to listen to my complaints.

It is only at this point in time now that i begin to see the whole situation very clearly, almost as if from a third person objective.

But there's no point crying over spilled milk and i have made up my mind to do well in what i chose. The next step is of course how to approach the subject with the right attitude. Yes and better time management of course.

The sky

2008-09-09T23:32:00.001+08:00

The night sky was like a giant screen of a huge omni threate. The dark blue background with patches of cream colored clouds were changing slowly and the cable cars were like beads on a string that were supposed to decorate this painting.

It was all perfect until the thoughts of the little mundane things began to pull me back to reality. I hope you are happy because honestly life is too short for the things you love or the people that you cherish so much.

Untitled

2008-08-29T00:41:00.002+08:00

I don't understand how it happened but it was done.
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday and Friday...am looking forward to the weekend.

Joker

2008-08-07T02:42:00.002+08:00

Heath Ledger's joker really scared me to hell.
It was all so real that i almost forgot that the show was about batman for a while.
The joker is not afraid of anything because there's nothing that he wants or feels the worldly attachment to anymore. It made perfect sense that he liked to blow things up to pieces. I liked to do the exact opposite...picking up pieces and putting them together. But now it seemed to be a much better idea to leave them where they are. Oh yes leave it to unbiased chance.

Distance

2008-08-07T02:28:00.003+08:00

It felt like a really long way that i was walking down so far...23 years is not really a short time but it's definitely not long in comparison too. The thing is that it's getting really more and more tiring to continue this walk because i am not that happy frankly...with everything but also nothing in particular.

I want to be happy. And beginning from which point in time that i cannot recall anymore..i felt that i was happy when others recognize me not for who i am actually but what i can do for them. But somewhere along the way it felt different.

I am depressed and i am tired.
I am a very sensitive person too.
Yet there's no one there for me and my problems and to ask me what i really want.
But the thing is you see my friend, i don't know what i want.

what i want is my special someone whom i may never meet.

Rain

2008-07-18T14:34:00.002+08:00

It was raining so hard today that i can't even see the bridge across the street. From the window that i am looking out i can hear the sound of the rain and its fury. There was wind blowing too and it was so intense that i can actually see it pushing the curtain of rain around with such strength.

Bai Lan

2008-05-22T22:33:00.003+08:00

四年之后重游深圳,这里比记忆中更热闹更繁华了,可是我对鹏城的感觉还是没变.
不喜欢.

唯一让我欣喜的是整个市内的路旁栽满了白兰树,所以空气里弥漫着白兰花的香味. 闻过这花的味道的人应该都不会忘记吧,这种淡淡的甜和香. 如果照片可以把味道也一同捕捉的话,我一定猛按相机的快门,然后把照片寄给你们.

后天就要坐飞机去长春了,可以看到姥姥和妈妈他们了:)

p.s: Sadly i realized that i cant access to blogs again.
How are you guys doing i wonder. Take care!

Friends

2008-04-18T04:19:00.002+08:00

This is my favourite song from the movie RENT. I wished AJ choir sang this song for our graduation or something.

Recently i realized that i had been quite moody sometimes...but am really grateful for my friends for staying by me. Summer is coming and very soon my first year in NUS will be over. I want to fill the blank spaces in the coming year but first i should enjoy the present and treasure my friends and family.

It must be quite a different summer for sister too. Last year as an undergraduate and last long vacation before going into the 'real' world. I can't even imagine her anxiety and uncertainty. If there's anything i can do to help i'd like to

Zoo

2008-04-06T22:00:00.004+08:00

My third time to the Singapore Zoological gardens and thank goodness it didn't rain!
It was fun to look at the animals there cuz the zoo actually forms an rather important of my childhood..haha as my parents really loved to bring me to the zoo when i was young. Well i have to say that the Singapore zoo is much better and interesting as the creatures are not locked away in cages.

Exam period is starting soon and like everyone else...i can't wait for it to be over. Ok better go study for the Statisitcs Test tomorrow.

We

2008-03-27T12:32:00.002+08:00

Such a cute and witty little song by Animaniacs.
It's called nations of the world, no explanation needed.
I am pending for the weekend now.

家人

2008-03-17T23:03:00.005+08:00

像平常那样，我没有接到第一通电话。
“还会打回来吗？”我心里想着，有些后悔。

幸好电话2分钟后又震动了起来。

妈妈说柿子红了，天气变暖了，家里一切都好。
我告诉她我很好，姨妈他们也好。
挂断前又是一成不变的嘱咐和叮咛，但其实每次这些话都让我心里有种淡淡的暖意。像是冬天刚刚戴上手套时的那种感觉。

晚上的PGPR总是有舒服的风吹过，很喜欢。
我闭上眼睛，看到的是小园子里挂满藤上的火红火红的柿子。

March

2008-03-17T22:36:00.007+08:00

Yes sometimes it's better to let pictures speak for us.
Happy 20th birthday yo Hannah! haha welcome to the league of 20 plus and fabulous people. Seriously, life is just about to get good.

Game

2008-02-28T02:07:00.003+08:00

An interesting game is one that gets harder as you play it.
Agree?
Well true or not...it IS getting harder for sure.
Now is time to really think about how to continue from here and i desperately need to find that push...i have to want it for myself or else it will never work.
Thanks for been such a great listener huilin.

Who

2008-02-28T01:57:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i get really angry at myself for not be able to help.
Why is it so hard to understand someone that you had spent so much time with?
But again how many people really understands themselves?
I don't really get me sometimes too.
There's a missing piece and i wonder when it is going to come to me.

Juno is a wonder movie with such a simple but great story.
I think am going to watch it again later.

Thursday

2008-02-28T00:36:00.000+08:00

Frankly i hate thursdays. My favourite day of the week is Friday.

And on this mundane Thursday of 28th Febuary, i am finally sitting down in front of my dear laptop to write my GEK1018 essay on education and poverty reduction in Less developed countries. Argh it feels like years since i had wrote a essay of this style and i know that things will be easier once i start...but for some reasons it just feel like such a daunting task to me. It's because i don't want to write a lousy or Okay eassy...

Tick tick tick i heard it and that is time ticking away.

Steamboat

2008-02-27T02:17:00.002+08:00

Thanks for everything Hannah!
The steamboat cum BBQ at your house was such enjoyment that i fogot about my problems for a while. Haha and i wont forget to mention that your Lim Famliy Styled chicken wing was really delicious. Wished fern fern, Lx and xiao wen was there too. Hmm but on the downside, i gained 1.2kg instantly after all that Bingeing.

Haha well but who could have resisted all those temptations.
Regards to your lovely family!

Monday

2008-02-18T03:32:00.003+08:00

Sometime we just cannot fight against what is given.
The superior being is definitely not fair but at least he makes life interesting becuase not all things are homogeneous/blend/boring/hopeless.
Each and everyone of us is gifted in something, well supposedly.

We should just learn to accept the fact that some people are just naturally more talented in certain things. And no matter how hard i try i can never be better. So why don't i just give up and chill out with TV and potato chips?

Bullshit!!!
I don't believe it, i just have to try harder and stop this self-pitying game that i so often play in circles. Gosh can't wait for Tuesday to come.

Musical

2008-02-11T02:43:00.000+08:00

This is a night that i will remember...
thanks xiaolin..no words could describe it.
Shanghai blues emma yong's voice M15 and M16 pasta de waraku our laughs and many more things that will stay on my mind.

Happy New Year

2008-02-07T14:54:00.000+08:00

For some reasons am really very happy for this year's chinese new year. Year of the Mouse signals the start of a new cycle and it's time to make fresh starts.

I watched CJ7 with my sister last night and despite what the critics said, i liked it! It's a heart warming story of those who were left behind in China's economic growth. Stephen Chow's style had changed so much since his debut as a director but i really like it! Who else can tell such a melancholic sotry in such light hearted manner.

Wish everyone happiness and health!

Pour

2008-01-13T22:40:00.000+08:00

Today am going to vomit out just all my thoughts for e past 1 month or so in e order what ever came back to my mind first.

The things that i want to do or the path that i want to take is becoming rather clear to me now. The doctor who operated for my grandpa said that he can live for only 5 years more after the surgery but he is now officially in the 8th year post-surgery. I am really happy that he is well and happy everyday now. We celebrated the new year together and i wish for my family and friends' health more than anything in this world. He told me that he feels everyday he lived is a day earned that he feels like e luckiest old person around. I felt happy when i heard that.

I felt my dad's love through his actions instead of his words. The day before i was coming back to singapore. He bought some expensive hazelnuts that i liked. If u had seen a raw hazel nut before u will know that the tiny nut is contained in e thick shiny brown shell which is very hard. I told my parents to eat the nuts as i don't want to bring it back to singapore cuz anyway it will be rather troublesome to remove the shell. I heard some hammering sounds when i was bathing and when i came back into the living room, my dad had shelled every single nut painstakingly while my mum put them into a tiny box for me. I will always remain a child in their hearts and i must become stronger so that i can repay them.

Auntie made dumplings for me before semester began. It was really tasty and i felt filled with warmth after eating them. I didn't talk much to sister but i just liked to hang around her from time to time.

The school is going to start tmr. I feel blue.
This semester i will work hard and play hard too.
I wish chinese new year can be here real soon.

The only thing that stays unchanged is change itself. I have to get used to that.

Waraku

2008-01-12T23:09:00.000+08:00

The splendid Japanese pasta resturant is really a jewel in Central mall.
I love everything from e decoration to lighting to the friendly waitress. And not to mention that the food was REALLY worth the trip.

a wall of Pasta on display in e restaurant

zooming in on the lobster pasta

haha i expect myself to go there again and again

Post-exam euphoria

2007-12-11T23:25:00.000+08:00

I felt much better after the tears and hearing your voice definitely helped.
Thanks. I think most of e time i felt like a guest...neither here nor there. I long for the weekend every once 2 weeks but i just dont know what to say when i am there...i come back to my family every once a year or so and i am again at a loss of words. So i let my feelings guide me to do what ever i should do. But i wonder, can we let others know that we love them without telling them?

OK anyway EXAMS was finally over, well like i said i honestly felt that the past 3 months stretched on like a year or sth. I didnt feel as stressed as i was during A level's but the workload was definitely more demanding. And on top of that, strangely time of happiness always felt much shorter-lived than time of depression. It was great to meet up with friends and family again!

Sleeping over at your place was simply great! I honestly cant wait for the next time we can meet up together and drink Umeshu as we chat about everything. Hope Zx can join us next time too.

Meeting up with a lum, lx, NaNa and yl was very rewarding after a long, tired day of packing and cleaning. Haha we spent a long time deciding on where to ear..as usual but am really grateful that you guys made time to celebrate for Yk and my brithday.

Wo finally satisfied my cravings for Ichiban on Sunday! Thanks for all the great presents and really glad to see Luwen, fern fern, Sijia and Shuzi whom i havent seen for a great while again! Haha wish you were there to join us too mayo.

Confusion

2007-12-11T22:39:00.000+08:00

Who is this person really?

Most of the time good natured and easy going...always worried about how OTHER people will see her or think of her...often trying to avoid conflicts so as to please everyone. The words that she hate to hear the most are 'she is easy to manipulate' etc...well it is not intended at anyone, just speaking abt pp's thoughts in general. Perhaps her personality is that she don't have a personality and she cant help but wonder what is that she really want? She knows she have to grow up faster and make informed decisions but the sucky thing is that the process had already began. Growing up began before we are fully aware of it and we have to live with the consequnces of the decisons we made eventually.

It is not to say that she dislike any of her friends...hell no she doesnt. Her life revolves around her family n her friends which makes her feel like she is wanted by someone or she is interesting or funny...but deep down maybe she is just a loser who has no idea what she herself wants.

Oh i see it now..it is not about self-pity here anymore...it's about self-hating. But what she fears the most is that people are often quick to judge instead of getting to know her..but still it's not anyone's fault. It's just my own falut.

I know that i have to do something about it...am too used to follow..i am afraid that i may just be like Babbit from Sinclair Lewis's book. Ok i have to do something about this personality of mine. I have to want to live for myself and make plans for the future...then love my family n friends from a comfotable distance so that i wont irritate them and myself at the same time.

Funny Samurai Ad

2007-11-24T22:45:00.000+08:00

Gosh finally one paper is over!
I dont feel like studying for chem or biochem or IT or..that will be all my modules if i go on..haha ok hang on.

Anyway i came across this funny japanese commercial while studying the stereotypes of samurai and geisha notes..haha it's quite fun. Take a break if you want.

Wish you health and love.

Reading week

2007-11-18T19:17:00.000+08:00

I don't know about others, but i am a person who cannot feel motivated to work unless i can see my goal in sight. *laugh* that sounds just like another excuse to delay thinking of something that i have to.

To be honest i dont know how long i can go on like this. But i am not willing to be swept away by the sea of self-pity yet so i will just stop thinking and move my ass.

I really like going home every once 2 weeks though most of the time i didnt say much at breakfast or dinner. I think one thing that i really want in life now is to build something that is my own..a place filled with pictures.

Seriously, i think the bridge linking to NUS should be renamed "The bridge of Hesitation". Sunday afternoon.

The thing about growing up is that i really have to make decisions for myself then live with the consequences..whatever it may be. And all i have is my hands and a brain that doesnt seem to be very relaible at times.

あした、新しいの朝た。私いて何が欲しいですが。

Projects

2007-11-15T02:51:00.000+08:00

The last week of school went so quickly that i didn't feel prepared for it yet. Ha but again, when was i ever prepared for anything since the start of university?

Finally after so many days of reading, writing, re-writing and editing, GEK2022 project was finally done. Here it is a nicely binded 44 pages research essay done by me and dear Ada n Sandy. I look forward to the mini-celebration together..no matter what grade we will get as we all agreed. I'd probably hate to see anything less than a B+ frankly, but i know..ya i know very well that most times in life, the reward does not necessarily equals to the amount of hard work put in. Haha this reminds me of my PW. Argh and that feeling sucks that i am willing to pour 10 bottles of bleach over my brain to forget it.

Our IT project presentation was pretty last minute done but i think we did pretty good. Lol and it was fun to dress up similarly for the presentation. I will miss the lecturer and his funny hair style i think..somehow i think.

Now there's reading week...

words

2007-10-24T23:24:00.000+08:00

There are times when words cannot describe the feeling or emotion that we experineced at that fleeting moment. Fruitflies only live a complete life cycle of 2 weeks..some trees live for 2000 years..but things in this world never stops.

I am not feeling depressed or anything, actually i feel more alive now than i ever felt. The moments that words failed to express are rooted in my heart and it makes me want to go up the stream like the salmons, to smile like i know exactly what tomorrow will bring and to feel at peace with everything.

Moments like that were when i exchanged calls with my family to tell them i am safe and well, or when i sat sloppily in the seat beside my sister when she drove me back to school on sundays, or when we made the effort to meet once every two weeks, or when we walked back to my hostel in the cool evening wind or when we swallowed the burger at Mac after a mugging in the libary or ... I was so strange to feel so peaceful when experiencing such strong emotions at the same time.

i am so fucking happy to be alive and i will draw my strength from those warm moments when i am feeling like breaking.

Lust

2007-10-13T02:34:00.000+08:00

Dinner was great in the cozy japanese restaurant. It was really relaxing to eat at ease under the soft yellow light and the nostalgic songs playing in the background.

Lust. Caution really impressed me and the acting by Tang Wei and Tony Leong was simply great. Tang Wei is really talented that it makes sense now why she was chosen from among over 10000 girls who autioned for that role. And it was even more interesting that she never had any acting experiences before hand. She is more of a writer and director in her university. Cool.

Friday

2007-10-13T02:19:00.000+08:00

Honestly speaking..it is getting less and less clear to me what are my purpose in university..i dont think i did well for my tests but am just happy that i didnt give up on myslef before i even take the test this time round.

I am really happy that this week is finally over even thought there are still 3 lab reports, 2 projects and 1 test ahead in store. I am just gonna lose myself and have fun for a while.

Smile when you are happy and cry when you are not.
It's that simple.

Untitled

2007-10-04T00:41:00.000+08:00

Really not in the mood for studies tonight even though i know..
This is the first part of Tokyo Godfathers by Kon Satoshi..it's a story of 3 homeless people and a baby they found on the eve of Xmas.
Take a look if u want i guess..i like it.

Ok work hard tmr!

Life is far from picture perfect but...

2007-09-29T20:22:00.000+08:00

Monday

I came back to my hostel. I thought of what i should be doing during this very short one week ahead and cant help but smile when i think of how fast plans may change.I was looking at this bus at the interchange. I was running in circles all the time.

Tusday

I felt like i went to hell today..and hell isnt always spelt as H-E-L-L sometimes. Queueing in ICA the whole day made me feel really drained. Sorry dear Zhixin n Fiona, We were supposed to be happily singing away at Kbox today. Managed to walk with fiona aimlessly around wheelock place for 30 mins in the end.*laugh* i wish all the best for her in Imperial College.

Wednesday

Went to bugis with my friends and felt much better..bought some cloth which made me feel less empty for a while. Haha but it was fun to be the photographer of the day and this picture is a perfect example of how complicated a creature woman is. One side of her brain says "No photo taking" while the other side of her brain betrayed her thoughts.Haha it was fun thanks.

Thursday

Went to clark quay at night after doing IT project. I wish to be there more. It didnt felt so Singapore there though.

Friday

Dinner was postponed so i finally dragged myself to do some studies in the library. Gosh It's impossible to finish all those things by sunday even if i dont sleep. I am really scared but at the same time still unmotivated strangely. So this is how the way home looked like now.

The first day of the new week is Children's day. I want to keep the child in me but more imptly now for me..i need to really be stronger. It's actually very easy to become a fictional character in university sometimes i thought, haha all one have to know is completely melt into the crowd and very soon you will realize how lonely the crowded place can be.

I said too much i guess.
Good night

Changes

2007-09-24T02:59:00.000+08:00

They say that loneliness stimulates thinking..it sure does.
It's recess week now officially but i dont feel relaxed. However, ironically, i dont feel stressed too. This is a very bad sign i think.

There are things in this world that we can change and there are things that we cannot. I need to see that clearly now.

I want some changes in my life.
And it is certainly painful to know that everyone around u had grown up. Haha i guess i have to face it now too. It's about time.

Bomb

2007-09-03T22:05:00.000+08:00

Do you know how it will feel like to tread on thin ice?
Or to carry a ticking bomb which you have no idea when it will explode again?
The only certain thing that you know is that it IS highly likely to burst into flames one of these days or one of those days..a bomb that will be triggered by reasons which you may or may not avoid even if you tried.

Well, now i know.

I can simply tell you that this feeling sucks cuz i am afraid and i am tired of myself feeling afraid of it. I think i need my sister now...she will probably not read this blog..i feel secured when i am around her. She has a character which i adore..she is daring even though she know she may get hurt when trying out new things. She will never burden others over her own unhappiness and just deals with it on her own..i think i had only seen her breaking down once all this while.

I didnt think that it will come to this and it seems that afterall i need to tell my mind to slow down a little and keep the balance with my body..and re-prioritize the things i really want. So this is life is it?It's suddenly not just about graduating with honours or not from this university anymore, it's about getting myself ready for the life which i had already started to live.

Paprika

2007-07-27T23:53:00.000+08:00

It's been a really long time but the feeling was the same as we talked abt anything that that came to our mind.I secrectly suspect that we had both grown used to spending time alone in the past half a year..haha but i am really glad that some core things didnt change so easily.

Sushi at Ichiban Sushi was really delicious and this time we decided to be a little more adventrous to try out the more exotic flavours.I personally loved the sweet egg roll sushi though..simple yet enjoyable.

We watched the Japanese animated film Paprika by Kon Satoshi at the Picture House afterwards.I think it's a very interesting movie and i felt that it's great that animes are used to tell stories of deeper n darker issues instead of remaining child's play.Oh dear and am totally in love with Hayashibara Megumi's voice!

The part that i remembered most vividly was:

Dr Chiba:"Dont get so ahead of yourself and make rush decisions.You are but part of me.."

Paprika(to whom Dr Chiba was talking to):"Oh..*making a light laugh*but how can you be sure that it's not the opposite case..that you are just part me."

Radom thoughts

2007-07-04T17:28:00.000+08:00

I realized tat my blog for the month of June is almost completely empty. It was partially a refelction of my mind also too i felt. Haha of cuz this is not to say that nothing interesting or happy happened within that period..just thati was too at peace with my surroundings.

So many things had happened beginning this year and this is certainly the longest break i had ever had so far, i am having different dreams every night and the details were always very vivid. As compared to the period before A Level's where i didnt have a single dream at night, I am beginning to wonder if i am living in a dream right now. In this 6 month i had experienced the lowest pt of my life but also probably the happiest moments of my life too. I understand now what is most impt to me and i sld treasure it forever.

One of these mornings when i looked out of my window, i saw many Hot-air balloons in e sky.Hmm that is not sth that u see everyday rite?Read the local Newspaper to find out that it was the day for the Hot-Air Balloon Challenge. Ten teenage contestants were going to fly over the The Strait of Qiong Zhong in their Hot-air balloon and Haikou was the starting city for their race. I took a picture of one.

Ok am in a very random mood so i suddenly remembered somethings abt my dad when i was in primary sch. That was the first time i felt frightened by e concept of death..i was in Pri 2 or 3 i think and there was one day the Police came to my Sch in Harbin and they were doing a lot of things near the Toliet area.Haha coming to think of it..narrating ths event this way feels actually quite funny. Ok back at that time the toilet was a separate part from the Sch building..at least it was like that for my Pri sch..and the toilet was just in front of the sch fence which was only a 20cm thick concrete wall that separated our sch yard and a train track. What a bizzare place to build a sch..right next to the train tracks..ok i guess at that time the govt havent got a very neat plan for the city. Well anw that was not related to my experince here anyway. Ya so the Police was stirring up quite a wave of discussion among my classmates and our teachers were having a hard time trying to keep us in our classrooms even though it was lunch break time that we were usually encouraged to go and exercise outside. So because we were very curious that me and many many others went to take a look at what the police was doing. When i got there i saw 2 policemen carrying a strecher getting up a 12 seater. Whatever that was on e strecher was covered with a white cloth..but ffrom the shape of it. I could tell that it was definitely a body. There wasnt any blood at all but i remembered that i was really feeling cold and frightened. I wasnt the only one that felt that way definitely so in the end before sch dismiss that day,our form teacher did some explanation to calm us down.She told us that a woman was found stabbed to death outside our sch toilet that morning and that was why the police came to investigate.

I was really quite afraid cuz i began to imagine how horrible it was to dead so suddenly n obviously painfully. I was behaving any differently though but i was just even more quiet when my Dad came to fetch me after sch. He asked me why i was so quiet and i answered"nothing".He then asked me if i was scolded by the teacher and i said 'no, i am just a little scared to go to the toilet alone next time le'. My dad is usually a very strict and quit hot-tempered person but he was so patient with me that day.After we got home, he talked to me for a long time until i told him abt everything. He said something that really comforted me and i was feeling less frightened. It's really ironic that i cant rmb his exact words. But i really felt better. He kept me comapny for a while longer n he read Doraemon comics for me..haha at that time i was still unable to understand many of the characters in the Comic book so i always bugged him or my grandpa to read it for me. It was so sweet to suddenly rmb all these details. A few days following that incident, the sch was flooded with all sort of rumours as to how the young female had died and who could have killed her..gosh we were so..kids at tat time. Just FYI or in case u were wondering..we knew later through newspapers that the young woman was killed by 2 men on a train..for what reason i couldnt rmb..and their train happened to be driving on the part of the track that was just adjacent to our sch fence when they disposed of her body by throwing it out of the window of the train. It was just coincidnece that her body landed on our side of the fence..on the grass patch near the toilet. I felt really sorry for her.

Oh my tian..a short entry turned out to be this really long n weird n random entry..Haha but that was something that i suddenly remembered abt so i guess it sld be written. I wish everyone happy n safe.

with love jy

Women in Art

2007-06-03T09:56:00.000+08:00

Hi i realized that i had been neglecting this blog for a while.
Well anw here's just a video showing potraits of women in western art in chronological order for the past 500 years..quite interesting so take a look if you have time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUDIoN-_Hxs

with love jy

Again

2007-05-01T23:40:00.000+08:00

I am in a lighter mood today and i think i should just learn to treasure my friends and family more and find the right distance that will make life easier and rosier for all of us.The ultimate rule is: Dont expect too much from anyone and dont overdo what you should do.

I feel that i could never really love someone..i mean in a male-female kind of way that most of us truly desires.I cant really explain it here but that's how i feel now.I do survive on love..between family members,among my friends and even those between fictional characters in a film or novel or anything..but i just dont think i can love someone in a romantic way as much as maybe i should be.I have a lot of things that i want to do,need to do and so many people that i dont want to disappoint..i simply dont have the remaining strength to love someone that way now or maybe in the future.If you ask me i dont reject the idea of sex but i prefer it to be sex because of love.

I had began to re-read the Norwegian Woods by Murakami Haruki.Wow i have to say that this version which is translated by the Taiwanese translator was much much better than the one i bought in Beijing.It is really worth the re-reading.

Bloggers

2007-04-30T23:14:00.000+08:00

So i am back after a while of negelecting my blog..i still dont quite understand why do i blog?Maybe i wanted to tell people something that i usually cant bring myself to say in their presence but also has no intention of keeping it to myself indefinitely.I had always thought that i am a very rational and careful person..but it seems that i still dont know myself.

There are times that i long for companions almost at the same time that i desperately hope they leave me alone.Contradicting?I thought so too.

Today i tried to recall what i had been doing since A's last year..nearly 5 months had passed and a lot of things had happened and it was nothing like i planned.Then what is ahead?It's already early May but i still have yet to receive any norifications from any universities.Is it frustrating?Damn right it is and i think my patience is really wearing out.

One thing i love abt my sister is that..i can trust her so totally.Ya she wont be ard me when everything is going on all rainbows and sunshine cuz she has got her own life too..but when am in real shit or when i could really need some help and encouragement..she will be there.We are like 2 parallel lines..we dont necessarily cross paths but we are alway just there.

Hi this may be real late but dear little cousin YiShion..if you are reading this..Happy belated 17th Birthday!I swear i didnt forget it..24th of April..it's great that you made some great friends now and i hope you did have Sushi on your birthday as you wished.

Healthy life everyone.

Testing testing

2007-04-24T20:23:00.000+08:00

最近、私は日本語を勉強します。毎週、火耀日と金耀日は日本語の授業二時間です。わたしの先生は若い女子て、本当に優しい人です。でも、私の日本語がとても下手です。

ところて、そうた大事な物はいつも、形のない物だけと思います。君たちは？

None

2007-04-23T22:27:00.000+08:00

After rethinking,recalling and reflecting for so many years that i had finally come to the conclusion that i do not know myself wel at alll. Why did i do that? Why didn't i do that? Do you really know me and do you really care? Yes please you are not under any obligation for this frankly and i don't need it.

I have a reason for my existence.
But i can barely describe that reason here in words..it is that tiny,tingling sensation that creeps up when i fianlly know your feelings are true and sure.

Wind blowing through

2007-03-16T20:47:00.000+08:00

I like the wind blowing through.
The wind is always so effortless and it never stops.

Beauty, kownledge, power, fame, luck or love.
These are the things most of us are after.
But what i want the most is health.. for me and those i love.

I am suddenly reminded of the lyrics from the song Wind,

"Don't try to live so wise,
don't cry cuz you were so right.
Don't drown in fakes or fear,
cuz you will hate yourself in the end."

There's no link seriously, just random.

Fire fire

2007-03-16T11:00:00.000+08:00

Last night there was fire works downstairs.
It was very beautiful and it put my mind off the things that i was thinking about.

Friday

2007-02-28T17:34:00.000+08:00

I dread going to the hall on friday to sit among 900 beating hearts while listening to Susan's endless talk..However i also feel it really daunting to be waiting by the phone at home..I feel all alone when thinking of what is ahead.

Today is the last day of Feb n it is spring here in Haikou..the coming of spring is not exactly just the passing of the winter.You do feel that there is something vibrant in the air n as refelcted by the greening leaves.I can imagine what i will do on Friday morning..listening, waiting n of course breathing.But i seriously wonder how i can get through the night of 1st of march..heh i think a movie marathon is a good idea..Sleeping pills just doesnt work for me.

Apathy could be the solution now.

Have fun everyone n all the best for A's.

Tarot

2007-02-25T17:08:00.000+08:00

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.
The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.
The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?

Take the Test to Find Out.

untitled

2007-02-23T19:08:00.000+08:00

I really think the audrey hepburn photo completed the skin perfectly.

Everyone has 2 sides or sometimes more than those 2 domiant traits.

Just not everyone ll understand it..or more frankly speaking..like it.

It's a very natural n interesting thing to me.

I am more in touch with the peaceful n conformed self these days.

n it is vivian lee from the movie Waterloo Bridge that i think of now.

Photo journal

2007-02-13T18:39:00.000+08:00

"Perhaps it's in this drawer.." i thought.

But it was not. But i was not the least bit disappointed actually for i saw a stack of old photos there..i took them out n started flipping through them.By that time i already forgot what it was that i was looking for..it doesnt matter anymore i guess.

This is a photo of me n my first toy.

Felt Sorry that he didnt have a name..

n i recall that he was given to one of my younger cousins..

Trust me he was not a sex toy.

I wish you health!

ps: I wonder how you all doing back there in sg?

Ghost

2007-02-06T12:53:00.000+08:00

I sat there watching this show on Discovery channel.
No, it was not the usually shows abt the formation of earthquakes or Stephen Hawking's Black Hole. It was a 5 episode in total documentary about how scientists in the USA are trying to use scitific methods to explain the bizzarre series of true Supernatural events that happened around the world. Yes real events.

"Hoax, crap or open-ending."I thought.
"But it looks interesting."the girl named Sputnik said, so i continued to watch.

There was many unexplained n rather frightening encounters testified by many n some were even caught on tape.There was one that happened in Spain that made me shiver though.

Three youngsters in Spain were driving back from a camp or sth..one of them was holding a DV camera n recording everything..his friend driving..the girl sitting on the front seat drinking and the secenery that they drived by.It was night time so his camera was switched to night vision.They were joking n conversing until they saw a girl standing on the side of the road waving them to stop.
"Maybe she wants to hitch a ride."One of them said.
They stopped the car n indeed the girl asked to be dropped by the next town so they let her in.She told them her name n smiled at the camera still recording.But something seemed to be wrong with camera that her face was a blur on the camera screen n there was white noise whenever he tried to film her face.Wierd.
"what are you doing here all by yourself?Your car ?"The guy still recording asked.
"Oh" she said "a year ago, around here i had a car accident..and i died"
All three of them were so frightened that they turned n looked at her(ya even the one driving) n they saw that there were numerous pieces of broken glasses pierced into her skin n there was some blood.They screamed so hard as if they suddenly realised that they were in hell n the car screeched as it knocked into a big tree.All 3 of them died according to the documentary but the tape was left behind appearantly made it's way to the producers of this documentary by a parent of the deceased.

"wow..it might be a prank you know..made by these pp themselves then perhaps sth went wrong" I said. I was trying to reason n refusing to be scared by something so unsubstantiaed
"But Discovery Channel is a rather reliable channel.I dont think they will show something that obiviously a hoax." Sputnik argued.

Well i sure hope you are not reading this at night lone or sth but of cuz my intention is not to scare you or sth so silly. A few days later i was telling my Dad abt this freaky documentary n i was still a little afraid when i thought of those encounters..I guess we just fear the unknown.
But my dad said sth that made me feel rather..at ease.

"So don't you think it was scary..like there might really be ghost or stuff.."I said
Then my dad replied that he dont think it's scary. He said he actually think it will be pretty nice to know that Ghost or Spirits exist because that way it might be prove to the fact that people do have a soul so that when we die there is a place to go..instead of like just a candle been blown out.He also said that then maybe there indeed are things like reincanation or..He didnt say any more after that. But i think he meant..then there maybe a Superior Being.
Am sure there is so i felt better.

Wishing all healthy n happy.
with love jy

January january

2007-01-27T18:17:00.000+08:00

I realised that January is almost gone entirely suddenly but i didnt felt it's passing. So many things happened n it was not black or white n sometimes things seemed to be getting from bad to worse, but the fog cleared n am glad to say that all's fine again.

I prayed a few times in the past month. Not for myself but for the ones i love.I am not a believer of any religion but i am sure of the presence of a superior being..yes in other word a God.There is no more doubt on this.

I suddenly thought of what if i was away for 10 years instead of a month?Ha i do not mind the outcome by then i guess. But i sincerely hope the those who loved me remember me sometimes(oh ya in a gd way of cuz!) n forgive me for my sudden depart. It is a natural thing and no one has the right to leave something or someone in a place and expect them to remain the way you left them after a long time. For those i love, it's unlikely i will forget you.

Am so grateful that everyone in my family is in gd health too now.
Friends do Take care n thanks lots!

love jy

Ps: Huilin Jia you for the Test!